Talk

I’m a whole lot of talk, and not a lot of do. I get so overwhelmed by all of the things I want to accomplish, that I end up not accomplishing any of them. I need to pick certain things to focus on, rather than trying to do everything at once. I’m a planner at heart, so it’s hard to just go out and do. The best thing for me to do would be to just start!

Stuff

I used to think that acquiring more things would make me happy. As I got those things, I was happy for like a day, and then realized I still felt just as empty. I thought I could fill the blank space in my soul with things. I know I’ll never fully quell my thirst for material things, but I want to get rid of everything that I either don’t use on a daily basis, or get some sort of joy out of. From now on, I want to focus more on the experiences of life, rather than things that fill up space on my shelves. I really don’t need any more clothes or home decor. So, for the whole month of February, I’d like to set a goal of not buying anything that I’m not going to get regular use out of.

Haunted

I don’t usually think a lot about the past. I try to forget about that stuff and focus on the future. But lately I’ve been thinking a lot about past mistakes. The regret is catching back up with me again. I just wish I had reacted differently to a lot of things and stayed away from certain people. I catch myself feeling bad about certain things and there’s nothing to be done about it. All that being said, I’m not in a terrible place at the moment, and all of those poor choices still made me who I am today. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, but I’m a lot better than I used to be.

The Two Kaitlyns

I used to think that the more material things I bought, the more the empty spaces inside me would be filled. I thought my happiness directly correlated with the things that I had. I’ve learned that that’s just not true, seeing as I’ve got a bunch of meaningless crap and no money. I’d much rather have experiences than things. I want to go places and I want to learn things. I want to be inspired. I want to see something that changes my life. I want to rewire my brain to take more joy in the simple things. And I want to find more simple things that I enjoy. I want to stop taking things for granted, which is a lot harder than it sounds. It’s so easy to lose touch with the things that matter and to get hung up on things that don’t matter. It’s so easy to get mad at a small thing and forget about the bigger picture. I want to stop holding onto anger. I want to learn how to articulate my anger and my frustration and my sadness and my confusion. I don’t want to be walked on. I don’t want to be taken for granted. I don’t want to spend my day waiting for the night. I don’t want to spend my week waiting for the weekend. I don’t want to spend my winter waiting for spring.

I hate that little things bother me and that I let them add up until there’s a huge pile. I hate that I let things go too far and get out of hand. I hate that I let the things I have to do accumulate until the last possible second I can do them. I hate that I sell myself short. I hate that I pity myself.

I feel like some things inside me are missing and that some of the other things are just off kilter. I can feel them all of the time. I feel the emptiness and I feel the misplacement. The only time that I forget about all of that is when I’m with my boyfriend, but as soon as we’re not together, I feel it again. I sometimes even feel it when I’m with him.

I feel like there are two Kaitlyns. The one that lives inside me, and the one that appears on the outside. I can never seem to connect the two. When I look in the mirror, I can’t seem to connect my inside voice to the girl that I see. When I picture myself, it’s not the girl in the mirror. The two Kaitlyns are at war with each other, and I think they’re both losing. They’re breaking each other down until there’s nothing left. What happens when there’s none of me left?